Waking up

I woke up in Kevin's car this evening. I felt like I'd come home after a long journey down a dreary path. All this shit I've been putting myself through since we lost the election, my loss of faith, my loss of meaning and purpose... it's suddenly gone and I find myself clear and righteous for the first time in just about three months. Confidence is high, personal happiness higher than it's been since I was last with Beth. Self realization isn't quite what this is, its more a realization that where I am is a good place and whether I believe it or not I'm making an impact and a difference. It's glorious redefining your worth, feeling passionate about something again and shedding that depression and doubt. It's still lingering, but for the most part I'm awake again and I'm through pouting.


further Forward, farther down

Often times I wonder.

Does she fucking care at all?


Another coughing, shaking fit

Aw, its been too long since I have written here. Many times I have thought about it, yet never seemed to really get around to it. I've been ungodly busy, and can barely keep up with all the crap I have to do, much less the things I simply want to do.

It was an interesting holiday. I got a Hooka and a nice watch. Gave a Karma Sutra (for that I got yelled at.) I worked, and worked, and worked. Played a good amount of Halo 2 with friends, that was a nice break from the aforementioned work. I saw Megan quite a bit, which is always nice. We actually celebrated out 1 year anniversary on Dec31/Jan1. If you don't count the breaks that happened in the middle. Anyways.

Now here I am, nearly end of January and my second term at school is almost out. I am happy for that. Soon I will be out of this place and that is all I am concerned with. I think Devry is a neat place and I like some of the stuff I do here, but only about 10% of its student population is young and ambitious, about 70% of its population is comprised of those fat, lazy, unmotivated bastards that must have seen a Devry commercial while laying in a pool of their own vomit on a couch, and the other 20% is just random people who seem to be kind of floating. Those people are alright because they don't say much and when you get them in groups you can generally boss them around. Sometimes I really thinks Devry might have been a mistake, but I'd like to hope not. I just look at the people here and think, oh my god, do these people look at me like I look at them? I do feel I'm learning a lot. Their IT is great, then Gen Eds maybe not so much, but hey I'm here to be a netcom major so all is well. Plus, I have my contingent. I'm just going to go to ASU or UofA for my MBA/MBISM. So yea I might have a slightly sketchy baccalaureate degree, but hey a masters always helps.

Anyways, life is strange as usual. I'm so damn sad that its often times hard to get up, but when I get in the groove I kind of forget all the shite for a bit and just roll with the punches. I haven't been working very much lately, so I've been able to be very social, which is nice. I need to work more though, I need to replenish the 'ol bank accounts.

I wish Megan lived closer.

I with is was 2 years from now.

That would be nice.

Curiously solemn,


Battle Stories

I intended on going to bed tonight assured of a job at Fascinations. I wanted to sleep at 10. In fact, I wanted to get up early, dress up nice, and meet the day head on. It was not to be. Sad to say it but I feel a little emo and pathetic. Which means this post is a rambling rant.

I want a woman. But I don't just want physical attention... as good as it is, its not enough. Listened to Kevin and Alex exchange battle stories. Reminded of my own two little pitiful attempts at romance. Beth was... the closest thing I have found to an equal so far. I've never felt so much as myself as I did with her, and perhaps thats what is so painful about being rejected by her. It's knowing that my innerself won't be displayed again as it was with her for at least awhile. How can Alex and Kevin be the sexual predators they are? And why did I miss out on this stage of life that I can never have back? They're settled down, and happy (for the most part), but me I'm looking wistfully at women who would never even think of considering me more than a conversation or computer tech.

I find myself pessimestic, though still happy in a way. I'm glad to have such good friends, but they can't solve my problems. There is some barrier that I need to get past, despite being the responsible adult I am. There is one more obstacle, this vestiges of my former shy self. The longer I wait, the harder it'll be to remove. Unfortunatly, I don't know where to find this hymen into true manhood.

Anyway, I need to sleep and cut this rambling to a halt. If anyone still reads this... thanks for paying attention.




Wow, Thursday night was a hell of a lot of fun. Picked up Kevin expecting to hit Express briefly and then wind down at home. However, things escalated at Kevin skipped class and invited Mike along. We ended up doing a bit of shopping, stopped in at G-way to pick up my sis, then went out to Savers.

At savers we found some sweet deals. I got a mildly amusing Sex Crimes Unit T-shirt. Kevin got himself a new suit. Mike... lucky bastard, found an antique WW2 coreman uniform. 25 freakin's dollars. Makes me wish I was a skinny ass bastard. Well, that and I'd pick up more chicks, yeah.

Anyway, the uniform is fucking awesome, and Mike wore it all night. Picked up Dennis at the dorm and we hit Mill in our new clothes. Met the asst. manager of Fascinations, great guy had a cool conversation and I got a decent job lead. Hope that works out cause I really need a steady and structured job, no more of this contract work at the stadium.

We hit the hookah bar with Alex and then chilled back in the dorm room with the new futon. I have to say, great idea there. Dennis is the man for setting it up and we seriously do have the best pad in the dorm. Now we just need to keep it clean... IMPOSSIBLE.

Later ya'll,



I have decided to post some of the music I listen to and have been discovering. This might turn into short reviews or something...i dunno yet.

I have recently discovered to cool, soft sounds of Teitur. This artist's story is quite interesting...he grew up on a small island off the cost of Europe. English is his third language (yes, all of his songs are in English). He writes all or most of his own lyrics, and they have that peculiar tendancy to get stuck in my head. Some good, original and slightly different sounding stuff. Kinda of a pop/rock type of mix...Some songs are reminescent of Coldplay to give you an idea of his sound.

Go give Teitur a listen, with his album Peotry and Aeroplanes.

D rating: Sound-4; Vocals-4.1; Lyrics-4.6:

TOTAL = 4.23 stars out of 5.

Happy New Year, end of year stuff...ect...

Well, well, well...tis been a while blogger...you were lost in all the holiday madness full of work, joy and family drama.

My holiday was pretty good, save for a bit of family drama that I won't bore you all with. Got some good gifts that I wanted and some cash (always good)...

I don't think I ever posted on here after I damaged my car by running into the back of a truck. Not a fun incident. Body work is way overpriced...the bill to fix my car was about $3,500, of which I had to cover $500 for my deductable. Now my insurance will go up from $182/month to $252/month. Ouch. This may put my plans to go to Britain this summer in jeopardy...but we'll see...

I purchased a really cool acoustic guitar yesterday. I want to learn...as you may have guessed by my purchasing it...I never thought it would be so goddamn hard to learn! My fingers do not like me...We'l see how this goes...

Move-in will start wednesday...then things will get back into gear...

Shall be an interesting 2005.



Rollercoaster Ride

Yesterday... wow. Never thought I could have so many emotions in the course of one day. Never did feel completely emo as I am now. But through the course of seeing my father, Beth breaking it off, my storming out on my mom, dinner with my mom and sister, Kevin fixing my computer and breaking it, Alex fixing it, Kevin's unintentional pity party forming at my house - 6 strong, finding a small hope lifting note in my gmail, and staying up till 6 installing software... I have to say, I'm touched to know that even while I can feel so down and out, I can be lifted up so high.

Thanks to my friends and family, no matter where I go or who I am - its 'cause of you, thanks for the constant support.



Christmas and other Merry things

I hate being angsty, most of the time I'm numb, but shit compiles and it demands attention at times.

So the first thing on my back, my parents got divorced. Normally, with school and such, its not that big a deal. You can hide from it and you can ignore it. I'm an adult, I'm no longer a child who needs his family to stay together, I have friends and relationships to keep me together when I need support. But, Christmas and the holidays sure don't help when you've become isolated and the problem stares you in the face. So, my apologies for not posting these last few... Well this last month pretty much.

In other news, I'm a bachelor. Wish I could say otherwise, but shit happens. You finally get attached and think things are working well... Well maybe I'm just ignorant of how things really were going. Anyway.

In other news my computer is up shit creek without a boat. Need to format the whole thing, cause I sure has hell can't boot it. Not in the mood to work on it now, and I'm hoping one of my techy friends will be able to help soon.

That's all, trust me this wasn't meant to be a rant, just an FYI that I'm back and the randomness will resume. With or without my peers.